Despair, discomfort, mental-emotional anguish, overwhelmed, it feels like this keeps happening, how? why? the unknowable void of difference, ,difficult complexity, wanting to cry, overwhelmed, vessel of chaos, what is it about m(e) that makes these situations happen? it’s extremely probably not just m(e), i don’t have control over that, i don’t want control over that, but: anguish, energy spent, not returned, depths went to, but not followed, difficulties of difference, (inter)dependency, precarity, contamination, vulnerability noticed, frightening malleability, lack of communication, loneliness, feelings of loss, lack of time, distances too far, longing, longing, longing for intimacy (with others), disappointment, longing, longing for difference, but with less disconnection, more communication, more intimacy, less difficulties, certain forms of difference are not possible, certain forms of difference are draining, unhealthy, not devoid of value, but not healthy or sustainable either, not wanting to cut, so much time spent in the recent past, feeling left alone, fuck, there’s a lot going on, so many layers, so many people, so many times, energy going in disparate directions, not wanting to focus deep down, why? no idea, prospect of emptiness, fear of emptiness, momentum shifts happening, partial fear of them, difficulties of difference, no solutions, just (confused) existence