It seems to be happening again, but i’m less open this time, i have less energy to spare, i’m less able to stand here for longer periods of time. i won’t stand for it at all, that’s how i feel currently. i don’t regret standing for it when i did. But i can’t, i won’t do it again. It hurts, it’s disappointing. The silence, the waiting, the overthinking, the hoping, the sobering, the cycle. i won’t stand. i want something different. i want different intensities. Depth of conversation, of contact instead of silence and nervousness. i’ve gotten tired much quicker than last time, which is a good thing. i’m learning, embodying the knowledge i’ve gathered. Yet i wonder if i’m being too final too quickly. i’m quite sure the intensity of what’s happening to me is not known to the other side. But does that matter? Would anything change if that were the case? It seems the other side doesn’t/can’t care to know currently. A relevant observation, uncertain as it is without anything but silence as its source. Then should i care? Can i? Yes. Too well, even. But do i want to? Stand there again? Keep standing there? Or do i want to walk somewhere else? Can i? Maybe. Yes. So much has changed since the last time. This is an intense example. 3 Weeks instead of 12 Months. Quite a shift.
The rhythm of the relationship is off. Or rather, it’s ‘simply’ not the rhythm i desire currently. That rhythm isn’t there. It was becoming before, but it changed. Not necessarily surprising, but no less disappointing for the fact. Disappointment. The main feeling of the last hours. No-one is really at fault here. But the disappointment stays nonetheless. It has to. i have to. Without it i won’t be able to move forward or any other direction i may desire. It’s running its course, and i’ll walk alongside it for a while. i know it will lead me to where there is fresh air and different music. The rhythm is off. i might have to untangle a couple melodies before i can move to m(y) ‘own’ rhythm again. They’re new, potentially beautiful melodies. But the rhythm is off. Or rather, it’s ‘simply’ not the rhythm i desire currently. But i know the rhythm(s) i desire more clearly now. Another difference to last time. i admit that i desire specific rhythms. Another difference. This will not be like last time. It could never have been. So much has changed, and i’ve allowed that change to reach m(e), effectively. i’m proud of how i’ve been contaminated and moved by m(y) connections since then. But there is still work to do, specific intensities of chaos to embrace, rhythms to follow, rivers to flow in, deltas to flow towards and through. It will be done. It won’t stop being done. i may not keep standing here, i may dance towards an elsewhere.
“The interesting thing about friendship is that it is — almost as much as love — an inexhaustible source of disappointment and outrage, thereby of fruitful surprises it would be madness to try to do without.”