The momentum of my desire has and will continue to cause m(e) mental-emotional pain and discomfort. Since it is desire that currently cannot become in the (types of) relationships that move m(e) the most at this point in time. A shift in direction and effective waiting is the way to go about it. Effective waiting: Patience without stasis, (relativer) Stillstand ohne Leerlauf. i feel i know as much as i can know about what i want currently. and i also know that what i want will not happen in the near future, neither can i make it happen through any concentrated, directed action. i don’t have control over a majority of the assemblages: people, places, careers, histories, seasons etc. that need to align (relatively), and i don’t want to have that control. So: effective waiting and, a shift in direction: (relatively) away from intrapersonal relationships and (back) towards m(y) relationships with literature and reading. That is how to avoid the lack of movement that scares me the most, that makes me feel the worst.

Being alone only feels lonely when you’re spinning in neutral, when there’s a lack of movement, when you feel like you’re just going in circles or not at all. The immediately negative states that feelings of statis effect within m(y) body are the roots of m(y) troubles, discomforts and pains. Now i could try to interrogate that immediacy more, but it truly just seems like a waste of time. movement makes m(e) feel. And i want to feel. like something. like M(e). like something is happening. like i’m a part of something. something constructive and helpful to those i care for, including myself. something different. feeling like you’re moving, no, not just that, feeling that you’re a part of, feeling that you’re connected to and co-creating different movements within your community and the social body, that is what makes the days worthwhile. Not necessarily ‘happiness’, not necessarily ‘fulfillment’ or ‘success’ or ‘power’ or anything else. Unless they coincide with the feeling of movement described above, they are not enough…. “With 42,000 dead, art is not enough.”*

• “With 42,000 dead, art is not enough” was a slogan of ACT UP New York, a direct action advocacy group working to address the AIDS crisis. Source: Testo Junkie by Paul B. Preciado